Intro Banter

Ladies and gentlemen of all ages
Welcome to my first foray into the world of hip-hop
Barebones, stripped-down, unplugged, and uncut
Just the fingers tickling the ivories and
The voice-box pumping out the rhymes
Here we go! Check it out!

Verse 1

Swim in a pool
With your moon boots on

Reach for a cookie
When you know they're all gone

Hold a metal pole
In a lightening storm

Say you're an admiral
In an Army uniform

Walk out on the lake
When the sign says thin ice

Use your chopsticks
To pick up each grain of rice

Stare at the sun
For a long, long time

Call something “limen”
When it's “lemon-lime”

Chorus

Why would you do a thing like that?
Why would you do a thing like that?
Why would you do a thing like that?
Why would you do a thing like that?

Verse 2

Let a little baby
Play with all the kitchen knives

Eat a bunch of seafood
When it breaks you out in hives

Dive with bloody meat
In shark infested waters

Behead all your wives
Because they only bring you daughters

Stick your bare arm into
A hive of angry bees

Be lactose intolerant
In a room full of cheese

Tell a neo-con
Where the hidden weapons are

Try to wash your hands
In a bucket full of tar

Chorus

Why would you do a thing like that?
Why would you do a thing like that?
Why would you do a thing like that?
Why would you do a thing like that?

Verse 3

Drive the wrong way
Down a one-way street

Pump up on the juice
And call yourself an athlete

Put yourself in harm's way
So that you can cash-in

Drink from a bottle
When you don't know where it's been

Walk barefoot
Across a floor with broken glass

Play with your Zippo
When you fill the car with gas

Dive from the platform
Into the shallow end

Boo Notre Dame
In the town of South Bend

Chorus

Why would you do a thing like that?
Why would you do a thing like that?
Why would you do a thing like that?
Why would you do a thing like that?

Verse 4

Put your tongue on a wire
Just to see if it's hot

Try to wear a diaper
Like an astronaut

Launch a model rocket
In your living room

Sit and watch a flower
Just to see if it will bloom

Drink a glass of milk
That's well past its date

Try to play hockey
In just one skate

Play a game of football
On a busy highway

Brush your teeth with sugar
And a greasy toupee

Chorus

Why would you do a thing like that?
Why would you do a thing like that?
Why would you do a thing like that?
Why would you do a thing like that?


Verse 5

Wear a PETA shirt
To a beef growers' meeting

Talk about blowing chunks
While people are eating

Jump from an airplane
Without a parachute

Play football in the rain
In an Armani suit

Try to win a NASCAR race
In a mini-van

Spray yourself brown
And call it a tan

Make a video
Of your next crime spree

Put it up on YouTube
So that everyone can see

Chorus

Why would you do a thing like that?
Why would you do a thing like that?
Why would you do a thing like that?
Why would you do a thing like that?

Verse 1

I'll act just like I'm your best friend,
So when I need you, you will bend.

I'm a mover.

I don't got time to sit and chat,
Just show me where the money's at.

I'm a shaker.

Pre-Chorus

Your time's not worth a dime to me, but that's okay.
I'll keep on asking for more from you anyway.

Verse 2

A guilty conscious: my best tool,
Especially when good morals rule.

I'm a breaker.

I'll take advantage of your time,
So I can spend mine with my wine.

I'm a whiner.

Pre-Chorus

Little favors shouldn't be to much to ask.
Especially when your compensation fills my flask.

Chorus

Can't you see I'm lame?
My life is one big game.
My friends just ain't what they used to be.
I hang around them 'til they can't help me.

Can't you see I'm lame?
It's always just the same.
I'll be around 'til I've used you dry.
Then it's off to find the next poor guy.

Verse 3

I've never had to learn no skills,
Just exploit yours; they'll pay my bills.

I'm a faker.

I've got friends from coast to coast,
I use the ones who have the most.

I'm a cruiser.

Pre-Chorus

I say I'll be there when you need a helping hand.
But when the time comes, I avoid it when I can.

Verse 4

If you fit into my plan,
I'll bet your money: you're my man!

I'm a schemer.

Opportunities are everywhere,
If you're the right one, I'll be there.

I'm a taker.

Pre-Chorus

Respect for others never seems to find much use.
When I deal with others; it's more like abuse.

Chorus

Can't you see I'm lame?
My life is one big game.
My friends just ain't what they used to be.
I hang around them 'til they can't help me.

Can't you see I'm lame?
It's always just the same.
I'll be around 'til I've used you dry.
Then it's off to find the next poor guy.

Refrain

I've been a big mooch
Since the day I was born
A freeloader's persona
Is what I've always worn

I'm not about to change
For anyone
Why should I now?
Because I'm having fun!

Chorus

Can't you see I'm lame?
My life is one big game.
My friends just ain't what they used to be.
I hang around them 'til they can't help me.

Can't you see I'm lame?
It's always just the same.
I'll be around 'til I've used you dry.
Then it's off to find the next poor guy.